America’s Best Value Inn

Maybe it’ll be a country song, I don’t know.

If you’re rolling to Ventura
And you need a place to crash
There’s a Value Inn Motel
What don’t cost too much cash
It’s next door to a Denny’s
With a pool in open air
And the most you’ll have to climb
Is a single set of stairs

But if it’s comfort that you want, son, I think you’re out of luck
This hotel’s the most dismal goddamn shithole I ever fuck

The bathroom’s more than lacking
In your familiar accoutrements
And the melted slimy soap bars
Are looking a little gaunt
The sink is kicking back
What you didn’t put in
And the grimy toilet overflows
Before you even begin

Now you don’t wanna know where your washcloth’s been stuck
This hotel’s the most dismal goddamn shithole I ever fuck

The roaches steal your luggage
And housekeeping steals your rings
The AC is blowing hot
Hell, I can barely sing
The pool’s under investigation
They subpoenaed all the staff
But hey, there could be a crack rock
Left in your carafe

So unless you love bangin’ lizards in the back of your truck
This hotel’s the most dismal goddamn shithole I ever fuck

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